10/12/26 Monday.

I finally got my permanent residency, I don’t know what that means. As if the right to work is a privilege, or has it become a privilege? It’s hard to avoid talking about tech in the bay area, but so much tech talk does give me a headache. I became more and more ashamed of expressing myself privately and publicly, as one opinion will always warrant more counter opinions, the debate is always endless, and to that sense, pointless. You have your opinions and  I have mine, no right or wrong. If we are not talking to reach a common ground, then what’s the point of this communication? All sorts of information flood the internet, it has made expressing easier, but maybe it’s harder to agree with each other than ever. I have no idea, I don’t know how to orient myself. 

I still blog, but mostly to keep a guide for myself when I need to go back and check on some information, aka, SFMOMA series, all the artists, how do they keep creating? Do they find meaning in it? Do they ever question what they do? Or just like all people in their lives, we just keep going despite being unsure of the point of it all. 

Working does fill up my day, moving up the ranks can bring me a sense of accomplishment, I tried it, I did it before. Wanting to make movies had been so important to me for so long, for reasons I’m unclear of. Does this adult angst ever go away? What do I have to do to make it go away? It’s uncomfortable, and unsettling, but someone once said this was a good kind of uncomfortable-ness as an artist, but am I an artist? So far it feels like a jobless person doing random meaningless shit. Will it ever render anything meaningful, or is the act in itself meaningful enough? A person does what she wishes to do on a day to day, moment to moment basis, isn’t that the most meaningful thing a person can do? Will this render me income, or fame, status, social recognition? Do I want fame, status, social recognition? Am I trying to start some sort of movement? Finding a corner on the web and sharing anonymous opinions is one thing, establishing yourself as a social anchor people recognize is another.  I’m overwhelmed with any attention at all, let alone an internet presence. I like sharing, I don't like being remembered. I like being recognized for my work, I dislike being recognized as a person. People want to feel seen, I want to be unseen. The ultimate paradox of a shy person being an expressionist.