How Should I Describe How I Feel

A: (Just skip to Part E)

How does the void feel? Well, the void, feels like a void. Sometimes, you can’t feel time. So you turn on the music, and literally just lay in bed, you wouldn’t have light on, you'd like to stay in the dark. If you are in the dark, youfeel safer. You don’t want to be seen. You are already overstimulated on the inside, this is all too intense, you can’t feel anything else.

When did you start forming a habit of bottling everything up? You are not sure. The earliest memory you have was when you were upset, your mom would go crazy. Even if she didn’t go crazy at the moment, she would find something else irrelevant and completely unrelated things to blame you for later on. Completely random, like I said, no correlation with anything whatsoever at all.

Sometimes you think she put all her smartness in coming up with devious ways to torture you. Ways you wouldn’t notice, ways you wouldn’t be able to explain to my dad, or literally anyone else in the world, ugly, insidious ways. So, now that you survived, you're coming up with ugly, dark, insidious ways to torture her. Because you know it won’t last, she will come back and torture you at sometime in the future. So you might as well enjoy it while you still can.

You are not a psychopath, but this might make you feel like you are. You thought psychopaths were people who didn’t feel other people’s pain, you can, and sometimes you enjoy their pain. In that way, you are not a psychopath. You feel plenty of pain, all the time. I blame it on the sun, i’m drained because it’s dragging all of us traveling too fast. I’m getting exhausted from all the traveling, even when I don’t want to, but because of gravity, I’m trapped; and because of pain, I’m not sure what’s a good way to go. Sertraline should be over-the-counter, and euthanasia should be legal. I didn’t know euthanasia here would get your friends in trouble until I watched The Room Next Door. Why isn’t it legal here? For what reason? I don’t know.

B. I just watched the latest marvel movie, to see what kids do these days, and there were no kids, all dudes in their 40s or very late 30s, I hope I don’t look like that when I’m late 30s. Heck, I hope I don’t age at all. But that would be scary too, so I guess I’d like to age, but gracefully, until I can’t.

I’d like to think I survived death at least once by now, I might have survived a few times more without knowing, but maybe I have nine lives, i can’t die. Like Bob, he’s depressed, but he can’t die. That sounds like a curse. Just sitting there, watching all of your nightmares play over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. Even if you don’t see them, they come in at night, they come in at random times, they pull you in, and all you feel is pain. Death, would be end of pain, absence of pain should be better than pain, if all there is, is just pain.

I don’t take life lightly, I think lots of people don’t. We understand death, we know that, death is the end of everything, literally everything to us. So believe us, when we say, we are tired, we’ve had enough of these. Yes, things will change, new technology will come out, what’s trending will change, but most things don’t. People don’t, we don’t, I don’t, you don’t. So what am I burning myself for? Am I really, the Sun? Sun is dark on the inside, it’s a nuclear reaction, it’s not safe, it’s not good, it’s very draining.

There should have been a “trigger warning” on the Thunderbolts poster, I don’t understand, there used to be warnings even if there’d be flash lights, but clearly now, there’s two hours straight triggering content, mixed with jokes, and a heroine(not heroin, or hero) saving the man, man defeating his own dark side, but no, you don’t defeat the dark side, you live with it. It’s always gonna be there. Unlike Marvel, who would like to pretend they understand mental health, which is so cheap, and making money off mental health is evil, i’m talking about all your “licensed therapists” who have no clinical experience working with mental illness, you haven’t seen darkness yet, how can you treat darkness? I’ll take the meds, no thank you. Don’t “I understand” me, no, you don’t, shut the fuck up, and you are gonna charge me? What an interesting world.

Unlike Marvel, it’s not about the “good” you, defeated the “evil” you, no no, how come only the “good” is you, the “bad” you is somehow not you? They are both you, both part of you, defines you, and as much as you’d like it to be that way, they won’t go away. So - find a healthy coping mechanism, mine is revenge.

C: This Marvel movie I just saw, had two hours of triggering content without a trigger warning. Clearly shot from the perspective of someone who don’t understand mental illness, unlike Inside Out actually quite psychologically correct, which also made me bawl, was more enlightening, more hopeful, but this movie, this movie had to commercialize the shit out of it, dare to talk about mental illness, and insert all these comedic relief, nah, there’s no comedic relief, it gotta be depressing all the way until the end, like Sinners. Hell yeah, Sinners, we are all fucking sinners, there’s no innocence under the sun, and there’s no freedom on a reality built on lie. What kind of bullshit is that, “we are into equality”? Who’s into equality? You? You talking about mental illness when all of the profit proceeds to you? That’s why Ryan Coogler don’t work for you no more, assholes. Stop speaking.

Also, if this is about mental illness, how about you donate all the profit of this film to mental illness causes AFTER you pay all your crew? Then we will see that maybe, you are a bit serious, about this topic you made so much money from. More than 10 years of profiting, don’t you think, you owe people a bit social responsibilities? I’m talking about you, Kevein Feige. Where’s your money?

D: Go watch Sinners.

E: What the hell do they think they are doing? What the fuck? This is not a movie for the mentally-illed, this is a movie for the non mentally illed. Is this how sex workers feel about Sean Baker? This is how I feel about Thunderbolts. I personally think it’s extremely inappropriate to write about that from an outside point of view, I know the people at Marvel could do better, but they didn’t, again, maybe, that’s why all these good indie directors keep leaving Marvel. No one wants your hero, what are you going to do? You aren’t the hero, and if your only goal is to be a hero, that people worship, you aren’t here to be a hero to people, you are here to be a hero to yourself, and now you’ve painted yourself as someone who understands mental illness, GET OUT!

I do not like you, marvel. It was cute and nice and new at first, now it’s just same old over, and over, and over, and over again, it’s annoying. You are not doing well, this won’t cut it, it’s not going to turn your six movies a year, to four a year, to two, now to almost one, to having people wanting to hear what you have to say again. Just do one movie a year, at most, please. For a director, it’s even too fast to do one movie a year, creativity can’t be massive produced unlike what you think, a real story also doesn’t just come whenever you want, this is one of those things you can’t rush. Like life itself.

So stop your self-titled super hero narratives, you aren’t special. No no. You are so normal, that you are relatable. You are so normal, that you don’t have nothing new to say. You are so normal, that you can just be happy. Ain’t nobody asking you to be a hero, your time is up, everyone in hollywood has a timer, yours is over. Please go.

F. What’s up with some millennials thinking they are special? You ain’t. Why would you? You are the most normal, shallow, happy, ignorant, generation, like everyone is pressed out of a cookie cutter, same, same. Different coating, but same, same. Also, since when is being normal a bad thing? Cuz I know for sure, abnormal is not a good thing.

Why pretending to be abnormal? Thinking reading JK Rowling is a quirk? I don’t understand. What’s up with that? What’s up with being the same? Same means relatable, means shared experience, means comfort, means predictability, means security, means happiness, means fulfillment. Right? At least that’s what I think. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told.

G. I’m so fed up with these people, but I’m in love with this world, nature, animals, life, hope. But people, people stop being so fucking hypocritical, this is you, so what, owe it. You are corny, and self-important, entitled, shallow, normal, nothing special, but happy, cheerful, ignorant, but kind, well intended, but coming off as rude, needs to be babysat, yet still want to play with the big boys, what do I do with you? It ain’t my job to teach you the ways, I learned my way the hard way, you gotta figure it out. Also, what works for me won’t work for you, everyone’s got a different set of cards, I have no idea how to play yours, please get your shit together. Because unlike what you think, you are not normal, at least your level of privilege is not.

You think all the attention on you because you special, no, it’s cuz you privileged, stupid ass. People all wanna know how the privileged live, so use it for something good. Stop crying now, little asshole. The world does depend on you, as normal as you are, you are actually, important.

Thanks, Sunny.