DATE
3/23/25
TIME
LOCATION
Oakland, CA
《戀愛的犀牛》#1. 戀愛的犀牛
Rhinocero‘s in Love #1
DATE
3/23/25
TIME
LOCATION
Oakland, CA
《戀愛的犀牛》#1. 戀愛的犀牛
Rhinocero‘s in Love #1
DATE
3/23/25
TIME
LOCATION
Oakland, CA
《戀愛的犀牛》#1. 戀愛的犀牛
Rhinocero‘s in Love #1
我已经不记得第一次见他的时候是在哪了，他说是在湖南大剧院、看《恋爱的犀牛》、高一。我真的不记得《恋爱的犀牛》是在校园社团节、还是湖南大剧院。如果是在湖南大剧院、没记错的话，我在听马路的独白的时候哭了。马路太极端了，如此歇斯底里、非明明不可，执着、倔强、一条路走到黑。我以为我会不太喜欢这种强烈、不理智的状态，但我发现从安全的角度观看的时候，我很被打动。
很久没联系，我问他我变了吗，他说没有。还说，他永远记得看那部话剧的时候遇到我，他拿了别人送的票、看完话剧的时候，看到我坐在他后面。有没有坐在他后面我不记得了，但我记得某次确实在某演出后见到他，然后我们一起走了一段路回家。他说，从省图到我家的那段路、是他最喜欢的一段路。我不知道他是不是認真的，他可能跟每个人都说这样的话吧。
我无法想象如果他说的是真的，他女友的心里是怎么想的，又或者，他的女友是如此的宽容得体、懂事细心，陪伴他走过所有他的好奇和探索，一边在旁边支持、一边默默地等他回来。是啊，她看起来就是很懂事的样子。而我，一点也不懂事。我自私、我霸道、我倔强、不得体，性格爆冲、想什么说什么、不会绕弯子，更没有耐心、懒惰，碰到麻烦事就想擦屁股走人，看到复杂的关系立马想逃，这样的我，怎么跟总是那么得体稳定的人比，显然是不可能的。我想我对自己的了解还是比较全面的。
好像我总是别人好奇想了解，但很快会退出、或者若即若离、下不了决定又不想放手的存在。又或者缠着我、黏着我、生怕松手，却也没有在跟我一起协作；更或是临时玩玩、不顾后果，每次的体验，感觉都像核爆后生还。心和脑子都被炸成废墟，留我一个人在废墟中一点点又把自己拼起来。
I don’t even remember where I first met him. He said it was at the Hunan Grand Theatre, watching Rhinoceros in Love, back in our first year of high school. I really can’t remember if Rhinoceros in Love was during a school club festival or at the Hunan Grand Theatre. If it was at the theatre, and I’m not misremembering, I cried while listening to Malu’s monologue. Malu was too extreme—so hysterical, so fixated on Mingming. Obsessive, stubborn, going down one path to the very end. I thought I wouldn’t like that kind of intensity, that kind of irrational state—but I found that from a safe distance, I was deeply moved.
We hadn’t talked in ages. I asked him if I’d changed, and he said no. He also said he’d never forget meeting me during that play. He got the ticket from someone else, and after the play, he saw me sitting behind him. I don’t remember if I was sitting behind him, but I do remember running into him after some performance, and we walked part of the way home together. He said that stretch of road from the provincial library to my house was his favorite. I don’t know if he meant it. Maybe he says things like that to everyone.
I can’t imagine, if he was telling the truth, what his girlfriend must think. Or maybe she’s just incredibly gracious, composed, thoughtful—someone who walks with him through all his curiosity and exploration, supporting him from the sidelines, patiently waiting for him to return. Yeah, she does seem like that kind of person.
And me? I’m not that at all. I’m selfish, I’m bossy, I’m stubborn and inappropriate. My personality is explosive—I say whatever I think, I don’t play games, I don’t have patience, I’m lazy, I want to run away when things get messy. The moment I see complicated relationships, I just want to escape. Someone like me could never compare to someone so composed and steady. I think I know myself pretty well.
It seems like I’m always that person others are curious about, want to understand, but end up backing off from, or keeping at arm’s length—unable to commit, unwilling to let go. Or the one they cling to, afraid to lose, yet never really work with me. Or worse, just someone to play with for a while, no thought for consequences. Every time, the aftermath feels like surviving a nuclear blast. My heart and mind blown to pieces, and I’m left alone in the wreckage, putting myself back together, bit by bit.
I don’t even remember where I first met him. He said it was at the Hunan Grand Theatre, watching Rhinoceros in Love, back in our first year of high school. I really can’t remember if Rhinoceros in Love was during a school club festival or at the Hunan Grand Theatre. If it was at the theatre, and I’m not misremembering, I cried while listening to Malu’s monologue. Malu was too extreme—so hysterical, so fixated on Mingming. Obsessive, stubborn, going down one path to the very end. I thought I wouldn’t like that kind of intensity, that kind of irrational state—but I found that from a safe distance, I was deeply moved.
We hadn’t talked in ages. I asked him if I’d changed, and he said no. He also said he’d never forget meeting me during that play. He got the ticket from someone else, and after the play, he saw me sitting behind him. I don’t remember if I was sitting behind him, but I do remember running into him after some performance, and we walked part of the way home together. He said that stretch of road from the provincial library to my house was his favorite. I don’t know if he meant it. Maybe he says things like that to everyone.
I can’t imagine, if he was telling the truth, what his girlfriend must think. Or maybe she’s just incredibly gracious, composed, thoughtful—someone who walks with him through all his curiosity and exploration, supporting him from the sidelines, patiently waiting for him to return. Yeah, she does seem like that kind of person.
And me? I’m not that at all. I’m selfish, I’m bossy, I’m stubborn and inappropriate. My personality is explosive—I say whatever I think, I don’t play games, I don’t have patience, I’m lazy, I want to run away when things get messy. The moment I see complicated relationships, I just want to escape. Someone like me could never compare to someone so composed and steady. I think I know myself pretty well.
It seems like I’m always that person others are curious about, want to understand, but end up backing off from, or keeping at arm’s length—unable to commit, unwilling to let go. Or the one they cling to, afraid to lose, yet never really work with me. Or worse, just someone to play with for a while, no thought for consequences. Every time, the aftermath feels like surviving a nuclear blast. My heart and mind blown to pieces, and I’m left alone in the wreckage, putting myself back together, bit by bit.