I'm a Shitty Person

A:

I’ve started joining a few WeChat groups related to film to get rid of film tickets when I can’t make them, I tend to overbook myself and underestimate how tired I'd be. The group was so quiet, so quiet that I’m not sure if I should be speaking or not. I’m not sure if I want to discuss something, if I should ask or not, but in the end I said fuck it, and just went all in. I guess that’s spamming… To be honest, that’s just how I text. I send quite a lot of messages, and i’m not sure, I guess I feel like texting is writing a letter, but shorter, and more fun, but very bad for your health, and is absolutely not recommended. I’m trying to change that by writing, but I still overt text sometimes, or maybe all the time.

As it turns out, you can’t go too hard. I got very upset and I’m sure the other person did too, but it’s all just about a movie. It started out as I thought was a friendly discussion, because obviously when you have opinions about something, and it’s strong, it's for a reason, usually emotional reasons. I don’t think he meant full attack, but he did start getting annoyed and attack back, which escalated into me insulting him in another group, which I didn’t see coming at all.

I had no idea I’d get so upset so quickly, but weekdays are kinda hard for me, lately I've been digesting some really depressing past, and having very difficult conversations with my mom, it’s all extremely draining. I have to let it out somehow, I can’t just shove it down, it will get worse. It’s not an excuse to take my anger out on a stranger, but I did. I’m not sure why I did, i’m sure it’s my projections rather than their true intentions, but I did it so there’s that. I messed up and lost my “cool”, but I don’t have “cool”, all I have is heat, madness, anger, these days they are getting better as currently I find writing to be the healthiest outlet. I still let the worst of my emotions get to me, i do feel like a worthless piece of shit.

B. I always knew that I could be a bully, but I didn't know when. Maybe sometimes, maybe all the time, I’m not sure. I don’t want to force people to do things, but I do force people to do things. I am mindful of not pushing people to do things, but I do push people to do things. I don’t want to change peoples minds, but I want to make sure they do have this information. I don’t want to make decisions for people, but I do want to make sure everyone has sufficiently exchanged their points of views, but when I stand firm with my views, and I’m not persuaded just because the other person is not as articulate, that’s bullying too. Plus, it's not my job, I’m not no fairy godmother, and people can take care of themselves, I need to stop feeling like I have a god complex, but its fun to be grandiose sometimes for the purpose of creating something ridiculous and so full of ego. Ego is not a bad thing, but I haven’t learned when to turn it on and when to turn it off yet. So - I can’t contain my ego, my ego is bigger than myself, and it will consume me, yet i don’t know how to manage it still.

I write, but I’m a shitty person. I don't make friends because I’m a shitty person. I make movies, and I’m quite good at it, but I’m still a shitty person. I am shitty, and always will be shitty , no matter what I do, no matter how good I am at something, no matter how much people say they think I’m cool. I’m not. I’m not. I’m shitty. And I’m at peace with that.

C. I always say I’m still going through puberty, because Daiga is half a year younger than me, but even he’s not as rambunctious as I am. He used to say I’m always picking up fights, but the wrong fights. I don’t know, what’s the right one? Can someone point it my way? I have so much hate that I can’t contain myself, I had so much hate that I couldn’t let it out, and that oppression on myself became depression, and now that I’m trying to let it out, I’m not sure whats the right way? It’s not the people I don’t know on the internet, that’s not nice, that’s very mean, and honestly, quite evil. See? I told you, I’m a product of my parents shittiness, I am shitty. I know when I tell people to grow up, but the first person that needs to do that is me. I was supposed to be the bigger person, I know better than doing this, I should be the bigger person. But what about the little me, can I let her out too? I never successfully defended myself against the people I wanted to defend myself against, but I should just keep defending myself against them, not some stranger who was probably well-intended. I should grow up too. I’d like to, better emotional management, don’t get aggregated, don’t project. I’m working on it. The problem is, I don’t know what I don’t know. Like I said, that’s in my subconscious, I need help with pushing the subconscious to the conscious level, i want to see it, all the problems with me, I want to be told. So how do I move on? How do I I move forward?