I Don't Need Permission. Neither Do You.

PART 31. Do I need permission? 

There was this place called the Kid’s Palace (青少年), which was less of a kid’s palace, more of a tiger dads palace for me. All kinds of activities would take place there, from chinese dancing, to math, to calligraphy, to electronic keyboard. I was there every week, and I liked going there to see, but hated being forced to stay the whole time and engaging / participating in a certain way, a way that my dad would deem “true participation”. 

As a kid, given permission allowed me to develop foundations in a few subjects. I didn’t like anything my dad forced me into doing, such as math olympia, calligraphy, traditional chinese dancing. I understand he was trying to expose me to as many things as possible, but he was wrong that I had to stick to everything for an extended period of time for me to know whether I liked it or not. If I didn’t like it, it was that I didn't “try hard enough”. He didn’t like how when I didn’t like something I wouldn’t even give it a shot, he was wrong. Being there was me giving it a shot. 

I would always get annoyed when he proudly said he “tricked” me into liking to read, to me it was more like trapping me in a home with no other options. I didn’t read any of the books he ever bought, the history books, the traditional Chinese literature books. I wanted to read 《幽默与笑话》which was a monthly magazine filed with funny stories and clever jokes. Funny enough, the magazine started the year I was born, in 1993. They started just in time for me. 

I knew what I liked. I would make that judgment so fast and so certain that my dad always thought I was bullshitting. I wanted to go against everything he wanted me to do, but I also wouldn’t give up something I like just for the sake of pissing him off.  When he pushed me into liking things I had no interest in, it backfired. When he didn’t interfere, the only interests he allowed me to have, became my vocation. 

Do I need his permission? No. Do I need anyone’s permission? No. I realized sometimes giving permission to yourself is harder than giving permission to others or asking permission from others. Even today, I find myself asking for permissions for many things I do. It used to be what I wore, what I said, how I said things, how I acted, around who, who’s ok to like or hate. When I was working in Qingdao(Huangdao) I caught myself being unsure of everything and always having to check with my boss all the time, until she finally said, please make your own judgement, you are old enough for that. She was confused by my lack of ability to make decisions for myself. I was stunned by her decisiveness. I still feel unsure about decisions I make sometimes, but instead of looking outside, I turn to myself for permission. I find myself questioning myself less and less, and just do instead. It’s going quite well for my mental and physical well-being. 

So do I need permission? Does anyone need permission? The answer is no. I don’t believe we need to be given permission to do anything that makes us feel better without hurting anyone else. Who to like, what to do, which choices we make. We are entitled to it, even though we are trained to believe otherwise.

I don’t need permission. Neither do you.