DATE
5/2/25
TIME
12:10 AM
Why Hasn't She Given Up Yet
5/2/25 补充: 这是篇之前写的，没发布的内容。今天想了想，觉得可以发布了。正文如下。
她怎么还没放弃？我仿佛可以听到他们说，怎么还没放弃、怎么还在坚持？她难道不知道，如果她可以做出来的话，早就做出来了吗？我总觉得所有人似乎一直在反复的说这些话，就算不说，他们心里也是这么想的。他们总是在心里笑我，每次我认真说我在尝试做什么、他们总觉得我在开玩笑。好像我想做的是不重要的、临时的、玩笑性质的，他们的是郑重的、认真的、应该被认真对待的，虽然我真的不觉得我比他们更多次、更频繁改变心意。大家彼此彼此，但好像被差别对待。
我不是在坚持，我是在懒惰，你们误会了（笑）。我是一旦决定方向就不改变方向的人，不完全是倔强，更多的是懒惰。随着时间的积累，越来越难改变方向，之前说是做好了一条路走到黑的准备、但其实还是有点半推半就，现在是真的只能一条路走到底了，杀不出了我就挂了。
自从进入电影制作的边缘行业“虚拟制作”的时候，已经觉得这个事情我完全做不下去了。我再也不想做这么不靠谱的春秋大梦，每天做些有的没的，毫无含义的事情。当时在诺亦腾做了一个很小的demo的绿幕拍摄，我都不知道第一副导是什么，就被安上这个名号。后来听说是某助理把事情推给我了，我也不知道是真是假。我到现在都不知道我到底都做了些什么，我没有帮上任何的忙，还得一直在装忙。到现在我也有些怀疑，非主创单位的crew members真的拿着那个薪水就别接着干了吧，先干别的、早点财务相对松散、半退休有空还想尝试再看看，但不能太有得失心、只能按缘分。
我有权利决定什么时候做什么事，按照我的节奏来。之前想做那个，现在想做这个，未来想做那个。我决定。另外，我还没放弃因为：
想训练自己重新养成写作的习惯、如果不发布，很容易放弃
已经决定了不论如何要写30天、还没到4/10
我想通过这种方式和远在天边的各位分享生活，如果想知道、这些都在；某个你认识或者不认识的人，也曾经有这样或者那样的想法，你不是一个人...
This is a social experiment, everyone is part of it
I’m bored
This is fun ha
5/2/25 Supplement: This is something I wrote earlier and didn’t publish. Today I thought about it and felt I could publish it. The main text is as follows:
Why hasn’t she given up yet? I can almost hear them say, why hasn’t she given up, why is she still persisting? Doesn’t she know that if she could’ve done it, she would’ve done it already? I always feel like everyone keeps saying these things over and over again. Even if they don’t say it, they think it in their hearts. They’re always laughing at me in their minds. Every time I seriously say what I’m trying to do, they always think I’m joking. As if what I want to do is unimportant, temporary, a joke in nature. Theirs is solemn, serious, and should be taken seriously, although I really don’t think I change my mind more frequently than they do. We’re all the same, but somehow treated differently.
I’m not persisting, I’m being lazy, you’ve misunderstood (lol). I’m someone who doesn’t change direction once I decide, not entirely out of stubbornness, but more out of laziness. As time goes on, it becomes harder and harder to change direction. I used to say I was ready to follow one path to the end, but actually I was still half-pushed half-following. Now it’s really that I can only follow one road to the end. If I can’t break through, then I’m done.
Ever since I entered the edge of the film production industry—“virtual production”—I’ve already felt that I absolutely couldn’t keep doing this. I never want to keep chasing such unreliable pipe dreams, doing all sorts of meaningless things every day. At that time, I did a small green screen demo shoot at Noitom. I didn’t even know what a first assistant director was, but was given that title. Later I heard that some assistant pushed the task to me, and I don’t know if that’s true or not. Even now, I don’t really know what I actually did. I didn’t help with anything, and still had to keep pretending to be busy. Even now I kind of suspect—crew members from non-creative units really shouldn’t keep doing this for that paycheck. Do something else first, get to a place of relative financial looseness, semi-retired, and if you still want to try again when you’re free, then try. But don’t care too much about gains and losses—just follow fate.
I have the right to decide when to do what, to follow my own pace. I wanted to do that before, now I want to do this, in the future I want to do that. I decide. Also, I haven’t given up because:
I want to train myself to regain the habit of writing. If I don’t publish, I’ll give up easily.
I’ve already decided to write for 30 days no matter what, and it’s not 4/10 yet.
I want to share life this way with all of you far away. If you want to know, it’s all here. Some person you know or don’t know may have once had these thoughts or those—
You are not alone…
This is a social experiment, everyone is part of it
I’m bored
This is fun ha